Open up my door

The last three weeks have been quite a mind bending time. I am now in my fourth (out of six week) break from Yits. I don't think I have been expecting much from the break... I have heard many people who have done Yits in the past say that the break was one of the hardest times of the year. To this point, I failed to see where they were coming from. In a way I still do.

As a group, we have all become pretty tightly-knit. I have made some amazing (for lack of a better word) friends these past couple of months, and I wouldn't change that for anything. Friends who can tell that something is up when i walk into class...who will come up and tell me that they are going to pray for me. I am awestruck at how much these people mean to me in such a short amount of time.

I thought I would struggle these holidays to not see these people 4 out of 7 days. So far there has not been any of this. That is not to say, at all, that I don't miss them, because that is far from true.

I have been lacking in my commitment to study however. Not that i find the assignments unimportant (to a degree anyway..) but I have failed to see why I should put so much time and effort into working out my relationship with God, who I am in God, when in my head I thought I had it all figured out.

Last night i was listening to Johnny Cash's cover of Nine Inch Nails "Hurt" and something in my mind clicked...and things started to make sense.

I was not wanting to put time, effort and trust into God, because I failed to realise that I had given God human like traits, I had given him human faults. I didn't want to put time, effort and trust into someone who was just going to move away.
I had put limitations on who God was, when i can never fully comprehend nor understand who He really is.
I have not given enough credit.
I thought if I placed my energy, my trust, my love in God, he would leave.
A consumeristic relationship with the Creator.
How wrong I have been

"Everything I thought I'd learned, ambition and illusion, turned to drawings on a loose leaf sheet, of tarts and cakes I couldn't eat"

mewithoutYou:Brownish Spider

amazing ( because thats what it is...)

I am in two minds at the moment.
One is looking at the world and how stuffed up it is. A story last night on Progeria had me hating that something so fucked up could happen. I look at hurt, how much it affects people that I know and love so so much, how it affects me. I look at pictures of my god kids, and wonder how much they know of what is going on in their lives. I wonder if at their age, they can even comprehend what is happening in their own home, let along the world outside their windows.
In the year 2020, there are predictions that there will be a new pandemic. Not of Aids, but of depression in young adults. Depression already affects far too many people that I know.
And I sit her and get so so angry. At injustice, and shitty things happening to good people. And I question how such a loving grace filled God can let this happen. Why can’t he point a magic finger and fix this bloody mess. And I sit, and I struggle.

But then I look around me. And thru all the muck and craziness, pictures and words are always there. Standing out in all the crap there are things that amaze me time after time. I see people who are not products of this world. Who constantly inspire me with their words, with their actions. And it’s in times like these that I am reminded that life is beautiful. Crazy but beautiful.

experience this

I was not promised anything by becoming a christian, and had verver really thought about it, but there is a sense of being ripped off. In influence a couple of weeks back, Mark was saying how that in life, it is sexpected that if we give, we will will (and expect) get something in return. And this expectation has seeped into christian expectation. That we are approching christianity in a consumeristic way.

Sitting in class, I thought I didn't do that. In reflection this is not the case. When I pray, I expect immeadiate answers. I expect that anything that is 'good' for me will happen.

I really hate it when people walk out of a church service and say 'oh that didn't do anything for me' etc. Church is not an experience. It is not about whether it made me feel good about myself.

I hate how church has become just another experience.

Looking for the baby Jesus (under the trash)

So its the lead up to one of the most consumeristic times of the year.

I am begining to detest the sound and sights of our seculer christmas. The idea that its all about the wants of the first person..I want that..thats mine.

It feels like one big competition..who has the best decorated house, the best newest toys...the most expensive gagets. The big companies must love sucking up to parents with this seasons 'must have' plastic fantastic, (batteries not included) hunk of crap.

I hate the talk of parents at this time of the year..especialy working in childcare: The bribery of santa.....even though the kid is smart enough to figure out they will, of course, get the goodies no matter how naughty or nice they have been.

To me it feels like its such a self-absorbed season. It may be just my synical self...but this is not what i belive christmas is, nor should be, about.

The truth is, this time of the year scares me. The people out there who have no way of being about to live up to seasonal expectations, who end up feeling shitty bacause they cant compeat with the Jones' up the road.

As u2 once sang..its like looking for the baby jesus under the trash