God moving over the faces of the water..

The air around here has changed.

Last night it had a slight sticky feel to it, not a horrible one, but the beginnings of change.

Change of pace, change of seasons...change of the year as I have known it.

Driving home with Blair, we had our windows right down, and an arm out, feeling the cool breeze .

A soft scent of honey and sweet flowers was thick in the air. It was one of those smells that took you back to distant memories.

Last night was like God moving through the air, thick with expectancy and hope and excitement.

"Wrapped in the warmth of you

Loving every breath of you

Still in my heart this moment

Or it might burst

Could we stay right here

Until the end of time until the earth stops turning

Wanna love you until the seas run dry

Ive found the one Ive waited for"

lamb:Gorecki

Painting: Hot Summer Afternoon: Ann Ruttan

ashes

Being in a rut is something that makes me feel like I am slowly suffocating. Waves of thoughts crash and I get stuck in one more drift.

Its been a weird start to Yits for the second semester, when I am still slowly processing things from right back from the beginning of the year.

I have no energy

and that makes it feel like I am being useless.

Every couple of months I get urges to pack up and go anywhere but here. Do something unexpected..try something new. And it has hit again.

I need adrenalin. I am sick of living in a way that doesn't fully express what I believe, what I am passionate about (and even what that is at the moment I haven't the faintest idea) and continuing to live a mundane life with the same thoughts and no actions.

I need change

and the sooner the better.

~photo was taken in Melbourne~

What would you give?

Pain from pearls-

hey little girl-

How much have you grown?

Pain from pearls-

hey little girl-

Flower for the ones you've known.

Are you on fire,

From the years?

What would you give

for your Kid fears?

Secret staircase,

running high,

You had a hiding place.

Secret staircase,

running low,

But they all know,

now you're inside

Thinking today about what my fears were as a kid, i noticed a vast difference from then, compared to now.

My fears back then were real fears for a child....most children are scared of the dark, of getting lost.

Me fears today are just as real. Just as daunting.

Skipping stones,

we know the price now,

Any sin will do.

How much further, if you can spin.

How much further, if you are smooth.

Are you on fire,

From the years?

What would you give for your

Kid fears?

One thing that I remember from doing my cert III in childcare, was that there was no difference between the fear of an 'adult' and the fear of a 'child'. Both are just as intimidating and confronting. Sure, in different ways. But my fear of the dark as a 'child' is just as legitimate as my 'young adult' fear of not having kids.

Replace the rent with the stars above.Replace the need with love.
Replace the anger with the tide.

Replace the ones, the ones, the ones, that you love.

Are you on fire,

From the years?

What would you give for

your Kid fears?

I guess the difference in my fears as a child and now, my fears as an young adult, are not as self centred.

Now, I have fears for my family, for my friends, for the world around me. But I especially have fears for my beautiful god kids.

I don't want them to look around themself as such a young age, and try to understand situations that I don't even understand.

What I would give for my kid fears at the moment...

(lyrics: Indigo Girls: Kid Fears)

amazing ( because thats what it is...)

I am in two minds at the moment.
One is looking at the world and how stuffed up it is. A story last night on Progeria had me hating that something so fucked up could happen. I look at hurt, how much it affects people that I know and love so so much, how it affects me. I look at pictures of my god kids, and wonder how much they know of what is going on in their lives. I wonder if at their age, they can even comprehend what is happening in their own home, let along the world outside their windows.
In the year 2020, there are predictions that there will be a new pandemic. Not of Aids, but of depression in young adults. Depression already affects far too many people that I know.
And I sit her and get so so angry. At injustice, and shitty things happening to good people. And I question how such a loving grace filled God can let this happen. Why can’t he point a magic finger and fix this bloody mess. And I sit, and I struggle.

But then I look around me. And thru all the muck and craziness, pictures and words are always there. Standing out in all the crap there are things that amaze me time after time. I see people who are not products of this world. Who constantly inspire me with their words, with their actions. And it’s in times like these that I am reminded that life is beautiful. Crazy but beautiful.

What I am....

Me thinks this is a subtle hint from Bec to blog a bit more.....

What I am reading:

Well.....in all honestly I should proberly be reading all books for Yits. But that hasn't happened, and I can't imagine that happening any time soon. Oh well.......

I am trying to find a copy of Alice in Wonderland, to read in preparation for my 21st party..its theme being, Alice in Wonderland. Figured it would make sense to read it.

I still have not finished 'Velvet Elvis', by Rob Bell. It is one of my aims these holidays, before finding and reading his next book 'Sex God: Exploring the Endless Connections between Sexuality and Spirituality' . That and 'God's Politics', by Jim Wallis.

Also in the waiting list is:

Nick Cave: the complete lyrics 1978 - 2001

One Step Closer: Why U2 matters to those seeking God : Christian Scharen (I found this blog when I started this one...a couple of months later, found the book.)

What I am listening to:

Should really be changed to " What I am NOT listening to," for those who know me well know that i am rarely not listening to it :)

Last weekend I was very very excited to see one of my top 3 bands* Copeland preform at The Corner Hotel, along with Anberlin. It was the first time Copeland have toured in aust, and it was utterly amazing. I am now also liking Anberlin, having heard only one of their songs before seeing them live.

Right at this very moment however, I am listing to the profile song on my myspace, by The Middle East , who I saw a instore gig of a couple of months ago at Fist2Face.

*For those interested (haha) my top 3 bands are:

1. U2 : here and here

2. mewithoutYou : here and here

3. Copeland: here and as above

What I am watching:

I have not been watching a heck of a lot of tv at the moment. But I have made sure that I saw the mini doco The Choir of Hard Knocks. I loved it...words do it no justice.

Movie wise, the other day a couple of us saw Spiderman 3, which I think was the best so far.

Marie Antoinette (even if it did come out late last year) is one of my all time favourite things to watch, and has an amazing soundtrack too.

The Chaser's War on Everything is always on my ipod too for a laugh.

What I am loving:

Winter: hot water bottles, dooners and dvds, good vegie soup, chocolate bread and butter pudding with butterscotch sauce, scarves, jumpers, hoodies, beanies, gloves, ice, frost, thunderstorms, rain, puddles, gumboots, hot showers, thick socks...etc etc :)

Green tea

Kofi Beans : the best coffee shop around!

Music: what would the world be without it? A great gig is always a rad thing.

Threadless: freaking gold tees!

Bec and Geoff : what is there not to love :)

So...i don't really know who reads this thing, i am not going to pass on the meme....however, comment to tell me if you do it!

plain

Dear God

We struggle, we grow weary, we grow tired. We are exhausted, we are distressed, we despair. We give up. we fall down, we lat go. We cry. We are empty, we grow calm, we are ready. We wait quietly.

A small, shy truth arrives. Arrives from without and within. Arrives and it is born. Simple, steady, clear. Like a mirror, like a bell, like a flame. Like rain in summer. A precious truth arrives and is born within us. Within our emptiness.

We accept it, we observe it, we absorb it. We surrender to our bare truth. We are nourished, we are changed. We are blessed. We rise up.

For this we give thanks,

Amen.

Leunig

so

at the moment i am feeling so-so about...everything i guess
i am sitting here feeling sorry for my self, while wearing a heart monitor for the next 24 hours.
and although i joke about the whole ordeal, i am also scared shitless about what this all could mean. Therefore, instead of bawling my eyes out, which is what i really feel like doing, i joke about the whole fricking thing.
i am so scared that this will have an impact on if i have kids or not.
even that in itself sounds pathetic, but it is a huge 'dream' of mine to have kids, and to be told that having the heart that i do, could cause problems for myself(and kid) if i do ever have them.

i am just misrible.
there are worst things going on in the world, and all i can think about is if i could have kids and have no problems with the heart during the whole bloody process.