God moving over the faces of the water..

The air around here has changed.

Last night it had a slight sticky feel to it, not a horrible one, but the beginnings of change.

Change of pace, change of seasons...change of the year as I have known it.

Driving home with Blair, we had our windows right down, and an arm out, feeling the cool breeze .

A soft scent of honey and sweet flowers was thick in the air. It was one of those smells that took you back to distant memories.

Last night was like God moving through the air, thick with expectancy and hope and excitement.

"Wrapped in the warmth of you

Loving every breath of you

Still in my heart this moment

Or it might burst

Could we stay right here

Until the end of time until the earth stops turning

Wanna love you until the seas run dry

Ive found the one Ive waited for"

lamb:Gorecki

Painting: Hot Summer Afternoon: Ann Ruttan

ashes

Being in a rut is something that makes me feel like I am slowly suffocating. Waves of thoughts crash and I get stuck in one more drift.

Its been a weird start to Yits for the second semester, when I am still slowly processing things from right back from the beginning of the year.

I have no energy

and that makes it feel like I am being useless.

Every couple of months I get urges to pack up and go anywhere but here. Do something unexpected..try something new. And it has hit again.

I need adrenalin. I am sick of living in a way that doesn't fully express what I believe, what I am passionate about (and even what that is at the moment I haven't the faintest idea) and continuing to live a mundane life with the same thoughts and no actions.

I need change

and the sooner the better.

~photo was taken in Melbourne~

What would you give?

Pain from pearls-

hey little girl-

How much have you grown?

Pain from pearls-

hey little girl-

Flower for the ones you've known.

Are you on fire,

From the years?

What would you give

for your Kid fears?

Secret staircase,

running high,

You had a hiding place.

Secret staircase,

running low,

But they all know,

now you're inside

Thinking today about what my fears were as a kid, i noticed a vast difference from then, compared to now.

My fears back then were real fears for a child....most children are scared of the dark, of getting lost.

Me fears today are just as real. Just as daunting.

Skipping stones,

we know the price now,

Any sin will do.

How much further, if you can spin.

How much further, if you are smooth.

Are you on fire,

From the years?

What would you give for your

Kid fears?

One thing that I remember from doing my cert III in childcare, was that there was no difference between the fear of an 'adult' and the fear of a 'child'. Both are just as intimidating and confronting. Sure, in different ways. But my fear of the dark as a 'child' is just as legitimate as my 'young adult' fear of not having kids.

Replace the rent with the stars above.Replace the need with love.
Replace the anger with the tide.

Replace the ones, the ones, the ones, that you love.

Are you on fire,

From the years?

What would you give for

your Kid fears?

I guess the difference in my fears as a child and now, my fears as an young adult, are not as self centred.

Now, I have fears for my family, for my friends, for the world around me. But I especially have fears for my beautiful god kids.

I don't want them to look around themself as such a young age, and try to understand situations that I don't even understand.

What I would give for my kid fears at the moment...

(lyrics: Indigo Girls: Kid Fears)

amazing ( because thats what it is...)

I am in two minds at the moment.
One is looking at the world and how stuffed up it is. A story last night on Progeria had me hating that something so fucked up could happen. I look at hurt, how much it affects people that I know and love so so much, how it affects me. I look at pictures of my god kids, and wonder how much they know of what is going on in their lives. I wonder if at their age, they can even comprehend what is happening in their own home, let along the world outside their windows.
In the year 2020, there are predictions that there will be a new pandemic. Not of Aids, but of depression in young adults. Depression already affects far too many people that I know.
And I sit her and get so so angry. At injustice, and shitty things happening to good people. And I question how such a loving grace filled God can let this happen. Why can’t he point a magic finger and fix this bloody mess. And I sit, and I struggle.

But then I look around me. And thru all the muck and craziness, pictures and words are always there. Standing out in all the crap there are things that amaze me time after time. I see people who are not products of this world. Who constantly inspire me with their words, with their actions. And it’s in times like these that I am reminded that life is beautiful. Crazy but beautiful.

What I am....

Me thinks this is a subtle hint from Bec to blog a bit more.....

What I am reading:

Well.....in all honestly I should proberly be reading all books for Yits. But that hasn't happened, and I can't imagine that happening any time soon. Oh well.......

I am trying to find a copy of Alice in Wonderland, to read in preparation for my 21st party..its theme being, Alice in Wonderland. Figured it would make sense to read it.

I still have not finished 'Velvet Elvis', by Rob Bell. It is one of my aims these holidays, before finding and reading his next book 'Sex God: Exploring the Endless Connections between Sexuality and Spirituality' . That and 'God's Politics', by Jim Wallis.

Also in the waiting list is:

Nick Cave: the complete lyrics 1978 - 2001

One Step Closer: Why U2 matters to those seeking God : Christian Scharen (I found this blog when I started this one...a couple of months later, found the book.)

What I am listening to:

Should really be changed to " What I am NOT listening to," for those who know me well know that i am rarely not listening to it :)

Last weekend I was very very excited to see one of my top 3 bands* Copeland preform at The Corner Hotel, along with Anberlin. It was the first time Copeland have toured in aust, and it was utterly amazing. I am now also liking Anberlin, having heard only one of their songs before seeing them live.

Right at this very moment however, I am listing to the profile song on my myspace, by The Middle East , who I saw a instore gig of a couple of months ago at Fist2Face.

*For those interested (haha) my top 3 bands are:

1. U2 : here and here

2. mewithoutYou : here and here

3. Copeland: here and as above

What I am watching:

I have not been watching a heck of a lot of tv at the moment. But I have made sure that I saw the mini doco The Choir of Hard Knocks. I loved it...words do it no justice.

Movie wise, the other day a couple of us saw Spiderman 3, which I think was the best so far.

Marie Antoinette (even if it did come out late last year) is one of my all time favourite things to watch, and has an amazing soundtrack too.

The Chaser's War on Everything is always on my ipod too for a laugh.

What I am loving:

Winter: hot water bottles, dooners and dvds, good vegie soup, chocolate bread and butter pudding with butterscotch sauce, scarves, jumpers, hoodies, beanies, gloves, ice, frost, thunderstorms, rain, puddles, gumboots, hot showers, thick socks...etc etc :)

Green tea

Kofi Beans : the best coffee shop around!

Music: what would the world be without it? A great gig is always a rad thing.

Threadless: freaking gold tees!

Bec and Geoff : what is there not to love :)

So...i don't really know who reads this thing, i am not going to pass on the meme....however, comment to tell me if you do it!

experience this

I was not promised anything by becoming a christian, and had verver really thought about it, but there is a sense of being ripped off. In influence a couple of weeks back, Mark was saying how that in life, it is sexpected that if we give, we will will (and expect) get something in return. And this expectation has seeped into christian expectation. That we are approching christianity in a consumeristic way.

Sitting in class, I thought I didn't do that. In reflection this is not the case. When I pray, I expect immeadiate answers. I expect that anything that is 'good' for me will happen.

I really hate it when people walk out of a church service and say 'oh that didn't do anything for me' etc. Church is not an experience. It is not about whether it made me feel good about myself.

I hate how church has become just another experience.

What I've done
*linkin park*

In this farewell,
There is no blood,
There is no alibi,
Cause I’ve drawn regret,
From the truth,
Of a thousands lies,

So let mercy come and wash away…

What I’ve Done,
I’ll face myself,
To cross out what I’ve become,
Erase myself,
And let go of what I’ve done…

Put to rest,
What you thought of me
While, I clean this slate,
With the hands,
Of uncertainty,

So let mercy come,
And wash away…

What I’ve Done,
I’ll face myself,
To cross out what I’ve become,
Erase myself,
And let go of what I’ve done…

For what I’ve done,
I start again,
And whatever pain may come,
Today this ends,
I’m forgiving what I’ve done…
I’ll face myself,
To cross out what I’ve become,
Erase myself,
And let go of what I’ve done…

What I’ve Done,
What I’ve Done,
Forgiving what I’ve done…

Hang me out to dry

I realised the other day that the year is almost halfway through. The older I get, the quicker the years go by. I am already starting to think about next year, where i will be, what i will be doing.

In some sense i have no idea what i am meant to do next year. On the other hand, I would love to stay and continue to study at Tabor, and this is very much a possiblity.

There is only three weeks left at Yits until mid year break. I have no idea how i am going to handle the break. In some sense i am really looking forward to the break, being able to chill and work (hopefully) and just do my own thing for over a month. But I am so used to spending my days with the same 32 other people I think i will be lost for the first couple of weeks. The anticipation is killing me a little bit.

Wow....

Thoes who know me well (anybody who had ever met me really) knows how much i love U2. Their lyrics have such power to them, and so do the words of Larry Mullen Jr, Adam Clayton, The Edge and, of course, Bono.
So there is a button up the top of this blog......the 'next blog' tab...you get some shockers, but then every once in a while you will come across a gem.
I was doing the said action, when i came across a blog that had a youtube video of Bono's acceptance speech from the NAACP Image Awards, for which he was the Chairman Award's Winner.
In a lot of my classes with Yits, the idea of 'loving you neigbour as you love yourself' has been on high rotation. It is one of the most paramount teachings of the Bible...in my eyes thats the majority of what this whole thing is about.

Watching this clip...it really hit home about how much it really means. And as much as we can say it..doing it is what really counts.

Bono's acceptance speech


BYW...if someone (*cough bec) could tell me how to get a clip, such as the above, into my blog...that would be swell :)

Pinkie and the brain....

I finally dropped some of my stuff of the the house i shall soon be living in...and took some snaps:

My bedroom is VERY pink....

The kitchen has a rad as lounge in it...

The bath has claws on it....

Rad times ahead peeps :)

Twirl for me...twirl like a little girl

Last saturday was Mel's 19th birthday party, Which found a few of us yitsers on our merry way to Bimbo's in the city. An eventful night proceeded.....

Firstly Ali and I met up at eastland, where i proceeded to get a sweet as dress (from a shop that shall rename nameless hehehe) and some sushi.

Mj met us back at my house, and gave me a haircut (quite a bit shorter...still getting used to lol)

Matt and Moo rocked up later...adn off we went.

First of all, Ali needed to drop in at her friends housewarming party in Kew. Whitehorse rd has tram-tracks...all well and good. Untill Ali points out that there is something on the road. I thought it was a dead posum..

Well..it was dead..but it was a dog, which proceeded to make a huge pooping sound as i ran over it. Lots of shreaks resulted from the girls in the back of the car :s

We arrived at the housewarming, feeling slightly out of place....the majority of people were wearing underware on the outside. Met some rad peeps..and we were on our way again.

Found a park real quick, added bonus was that it was free :)

Lined up for about 15 minutes to get in, and then had a rad night :)

Bimbo;s is more famous for their pizza then anything else...and freaking swell pizza it is too. Margareta was fresh as...but the pesto and goats cheese was freakin rad as.

If anyone is interested...during the week, all pizzas are only 4 bucks!!!! Wooooo YEah! They also have sweet pizzas..the chocolate one is ment to be flipping amazing.

(Top photo L>R: Ali, Me, Matt, Moo and Mj)

And the walls came tumbling down...

Yits today saw us going to see Babel for 'word,' in which we have just finished looking at the creation story, moving onto the fall.

Four stories that are all interlinked because of a specific action undertaken. It was quite interesting the discussions that took place afterwards....specifically who was to blame for starting the chain of events. There were a number of theories going around. It was interesting to see on whom the finger of blame was laid on.

The film covered such a plethora of issuse...from illeagal immigration, sucide to political crap over an ambulance between 2 opposing countries. From communication issues between a husband and wife/father and daughter/different cultures....

It was quite an emotionally seeking movie. And the more I think about it..the more my mind spins at the complexities.

Words wont do any justice for the images that were seen

Leaving home (smell the morning air)

yes
i am finally leaving home again.
Sweet sweet new house with rad peeps sas and corrie.
Am hanging for my own space, independance and freedom...sweet sweet freedom. No more cranky parental-unit when i leave the milo out..when i leave the hallway light on for more then 10 seconds..when i breath lol.

Rad times ahead!
looking forward to you all coming and crashing and beers and bbqs (go the vegie burgers)

I just need to get my a into g and start packing.

BBQ's wasps and paint

Yesterdy morning i woke to the sound of thunder booming around, shaking the whole house. I love the sounds that come with a big storm.

Along with the storm, we lost power to the house from just after 3pm and it came back on around 10.45. Candles provided an amazing atmosphere.

So it was decided that a bbq should be had, and so it did. Cheers to tim for the gas btw :p

While others did their thing, I did mine and ended up with another painting.

this is whats its like (to not remember what its like)

And so the year has begun. I have spent the last three days getting to know a new community. The idea of spending 3 days with approx. 50 complete strangers (bar the 4 people I did actually know) and being able to realise that we were all going to play a pretty damn important roll in each others lives, for the next 10 or so months, is quite an experience.

I guess knowing that we were all in the same situations made it so much easier for us all to just get in there and get to know each other, not just on a superficial level, but something so much more deep and real.

It was made very clear that this was going to be a fairly big year for change. Out with the old and in with the new. The Yits ‘leaders’ in the lead up to the camp, all had a real sense that this was going to be a year of being able to let go of the past, not to worry about the future, but to just be able to live in the ‘now’ moments.

I look back at the last three days and am kind of surprised at the small changes that I can see in myself. The fact that I have even prayed, and that it has all just come out, no need for thought or embarrassment even, it has just been there.

This journey has begun…not for just the year, but for a lifetime. It is an exciting realisation, but at the same time it is hard to imagine what this year is going to bring, what confusions, conflicts, doubts, fears, realities……

One thing that is going to be paramount this year is the act of being able to surrender things to God. No matter how big or minute, but being able to fully give it over. It seems like such a simple act, but when it comes to crunch time…how much do you actually, whole heartedly, truthfully trust God to take care of it?? I struggle so much to let go of things, to fully rely that He has only the best intents for me. I guess it is such an easy thing to be flippant about, but when I really think about it, the idea of not being in control, but to just give my insecurities, my hopes, dreams, fears, my all over to God is not an easy thing to do at all. Yet to be able to draw closer to God, to be able to fully rely on Him….it is an act that is so so very important to do.

I think the idea of wanting to be in control (therefore not surrendering) is going to be one of my weaknesses. It is human instinct to want to be in control of things that affect everyday life, which makes the act so much more harder for me to achieve. It is a hard realisation that I am only human, and that God is so much bigger then that…which is why the act of surrendering makes so much sense. Yet it still seems like it is often impossible to do so.

And so goes the initial step of starting Yits. One camp down, and who knows what to come….

when the minutes seem like hours..

The last week and a bit have been quite peculiar. My sleeping habits have gone out the window. Along with my sleep.

Now anybody who knows me well enough, knows that i love my sleep. I love it even more now that insomnia has hit me over the head.

Good old stress is the facilitator for my restless nights.

So what have i been doing to fill in the time??

>cooking and eating dinner around 1am

>taking random photos (as shown..me at 3.45) Oddly enough, they are all of me

>watching 'love my way' season 2

>msn/gush/myspace

>cropping photos on my laptop

>making a diary for the year

I have the packet of sleeping tablets on the kitchen bench....and for whatever reason, i just haven't wanted to take them. Whether it be because i don't trust myself to not abuse the affects, or what. Who knows...its a tricky one

Last night however, i was in bed before 4.30, and actually fell asleep fairly quickly. A friend suggested i stuck on 'private universe' by Crowded House (my absolute favourite song of theirs) which i did...it was programed to repeat the max. 20 times. Nicccccccccccce

fun times my fellow bloggers

shine on you crazy diamond

Once again, its erratic postings. The end of last year was unbelievably crazy, with the usual Christmas hustle and bustle, chuck in some extremely late nights (or mornings.....) and it was over before i knew it.

I always find the beginning of a new year slightly odd. New expectations, experiences and randomness are there ready to happen, whether you are ready or not.

This year is going to be full on...there is no two ways about that one. I am really looking forward to the challenges (ha ha..bet i wont be when it comes down to the crunch of it) that Yits is going to bring.

It also scares me to shit, how this year is going to make me take a long hard look at myself...and at the same time..it couldn't have come at a better time then now.

What a year it has been already...parties/bithdays/ weddings and a death have ensured the usual hectic start to my family's year.

so

at the moment i am feeling so-so about...everything i guess
i am sitting here feeling sorry for my self, while wearing a heart monitor for the next 24 hours.
and although i joke about the whole ordeal, i am also scared shitless about what this all could mean. Therefore, instead of bawling my eyes out, which is what i really feel like doing, i joke about the whole fricking thing.
i am so scared that this will have an impact on if i have kids or not.
even that in itself sounds pathetic, but it is a huge 'dream' of mine to have kids, and to be told that having the heart that i do, could cause problems for myself(and kid) if i do ever have them.

i am just misrible.
there are worst things going on in the world, and all i can think about is if i could have kids and have no problems with the heart during the whole bloody process.

why

I had trouble sleeping last night, and ended up writing this at about 3 in the morning. I felt so heavy and pathetic and needed to get it out of my system.


why is it me
why do i want the pity
the world to revolve around me
why don't i feel
why don't i believe the singer of the song
that reads loud and clear
dull and dead
why don't i feel
the beat of the world
who are all for one
why do i drag behind
i drag behind
in the rack and ruin
it spliters me in two
why do i know
yet it means nothing
the paper bag forgotten in yesterday
sitting at the bottom
why do the tears fall
and when it rains it pours
no fire
no flame
the burnt out end of a stick
my soul can't breath
without pain
a second will occur
but will pass just as quickly

And i wake up again
to silence